Not A Cookie Cutter Queer

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“How out are you?”

Out EnoughBeing that I came out at the age of 26, I am considered a late bloomer!  It took me several years to learn to love myself and my queerness or lack there of.  I can now honestly say that I am completely out! However, I am not one to parade my sexuality around as advertisement. Being queer is a part of who I am, not all that I am.  The only parading I do is in the privacy of my own home.  I am completely okay with public displays of affection as long as that person is my girlfriend or someone I was crazy about, who was equally crazy about me.  By public displays of affection I mean the usual holding of hands, hugging, and kissing. I am not a fan of hooking up with someone just because we both happen to be queer.

There is such a thing as friendship among lesbians, bisexuals, queers, and transgenders.  Although at the moment I’m learning to maneuver that.  That in itself is quite a task.  We need to learn so much about coming to terms with our sexuality, especial for those late bloomers like myself.  I feel like I have to play catch up.  I didn’t have queer friends for a long time because of the misconceptions I held about my own queer community.  It’s a difficult job juggling all the aspects of my queer life. I don’t know everything that there is to know about being queer, but I do know that we are supposed to love and accept each other.

I don’t think it is for anyone to decide or implement upon anyone else “how out, is out”.  It disgusts me that another queer person would harass another because their “outness” wasn’t up to par with their own.  We all have different personalities aside from being queer, some of us are introverts while others extroverts.  None is more right that the other, but it is none of my business how out someone is.

Let’s take the case of “Sex in the City’s” star Cynthia Nixon, who has made the news recently because she is engaged to her long term partner Christine Marinoni.  Cynthia Nixon, who has received a lot of criticism from some in the queer community for not “admitting”, as some would see it, that she is bisexual.

Cynthia Nixon’s 2 Cents

“For me, it is a choice,” Nixon told the Times.  “I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me.”   

“I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive,”   “I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.” 

“I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here. It matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not,” she told the Times about her decision to be with Marinoni. 

I am appalled that another queer person would have the audacity to dictate who is queer enough, or out enough?  The argument may arise that Cynthia Nixon is giving us queers a bad name, by stating that she chooses to be gay.  She doesn’t speak for me, she is not my voice.  It is not someone else’s job to identify me, my likes or dislikes, who I choose to date, who I choose to kiss in public, hold hands with, or embrace.  Cynthia Nixon doesn’t represent me.  I am not offended with how she chooses to come to terms with her sexuality.  We all have our own journeys, and ways of dealing with our sexuality.  What works for me may not work for someone else.  All of our coming out stories are composed of different experiences. That is what makes us unique.  We are not cookie cutter queers. ~We Are Qulture


Elizabeth Perez is a blogger and photo journalist who hails from the East San Fernando Valley. Her interests include photography, writing, hiking, kayaking, and exploring new places. Some of the things that make her heart sing are unwarranted acts of kindness, sunsets, waterfalls, road trips and the occasional late night with friends. She is no stranger to the coming out process and the emotional turmoil that often entails, for that reason she volunteers her time to the LGBTQ community. Elizabeth is currently pursuing a Masters in Speech Pathology.

5 thoughts on “Not A Cookie Cutter Queer

  • February 15, 2012 at 1:54 am

    I know that you have gone through some pretty tough experiences lately, and for that, I am excited. It is difficult to experience those jagged-edged moments that make up what will impact our personal development. The fact that you elaborate on your age is so important. I have friends that have gone through the same thing at 67 years old and they are in the same boat. I am moved by your post for the fact that I can type some non-fiction and be recognized as a contributor to this.

  • February 17, 2012 at 7:40 am

    Well said Ms. Elizabeth, well said. I always love being reminded in some form or another that accepting and understanding others only makes understanding and acceptance of ones self easier. So, thanks. : ) I find it ironic that Nixon has to fight gays that defined gayness for her at a time where gays are fighting against those that try to define marriage for people other than themselves.

    • February 19, 2012 at 8:30 pm

      Gracias Moss 🙂

  • August 17, 2012 at 5:05 pm

    I loved it, we are not cookie cutter queer at all.


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