Relationship Trauma

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Myspace was booming in 2007 and it seemed like everyone had an account. I actually loved Myspace because I always had a creative side to me where I would frequently decorate my page and write a lot of blogs. However, I met the first man that I ever loved through Myspace. He saw my pictures, and became interested in me. I remember he did not have an account, nor did he have pictures to share. It really did not bother me at first because he seemed like a cool guy over the phone. He was twenty-five and I was twenty. I was still very young and really did not have any dating experience. I was young and I was vulnerable to any man that would show any kind of love. Since my dad passed away, I didn’t have any type of love from a man, and I was craving for it.
Issac and I met up for the first time, and I remember he came and picked me up. We went to eat at a local restaurant and It felt good to get some kind of attention from a man. He was very masculine, and I loved that about it. Even though he was acting strange on our first date, I was looking forward to seeing him again. We kept in contact and would talk on the phone a lot. He didn’t really talk much about his personal life, nor who he lived with. So we connected right away and we would take turns driving out to see each other. I knew I liked this guy because everytime I saw him, he made me smile. When it was time to go home, I never wanted to say bye. About a month past and he revealed to me that he was fresh out of a relationship. I was understanding, and I think that’s what he liked about me. So after about three months I fell in love with this guy. I knew I was in love because I didn’t even think about other guys while we were together. When his car broke down, I would drive an hour away to see him. At one point he had a financial hardship and I remember that I would give him money for whatever he needed.

When his car broke down, I let him take mine. I just carpooled with friends from work. I know it was foolish of me to put his needs before mine, but that’s when I was really convinced that I found love. We got together after three months in the month of December. After we became official he shared with me some personal information, he suffered from depression, and that he was on anti-depressants. I had no idea at the time what was going on with him, but it wasn’t until about three years later that I found out the truth. He was actually still talking to his ex. I was under the impression that he hated him from the way he would talk about him. I was excited because Christmas was coming up, and we had planned a little dinner/gift exchange.

Christmas time came around and I remember we had an argument the night before, and I said some bad words to him. He said I reminded him of his ex, and he drove off pissed. I suddenly felt bad and try to chase him as he drove off. I thought he was gonna come back. I waited on my porch and after sat there in tears. My neighbors even noticed me on the porch crying, but I didn’t care. I dried my tears and just went inside. I wish I could have told my mom and get some kind of advice from her, but I couldn’t. I fell a sleep and prayed that he would answer my call and accept my apology, especially since we made plans for Christmas. I got ready and showed up at my friends house were the gift exchange was gonna take place. I was also going to introduce him to my friends for the first time. I must have called him about twenty times and he didn’t pick up. That day was horrible and I don’t think I will ever forget it. I sat there and cried like a baby in front of all of my friends.

That was actually the first time I ever cried in front of a group of people. I couldn’t control my emotions, I was heart broken. I hope to never experience that feeling again. It was the same feeling that a girl who got stood up on her prom night would have felt. I even cried the whole way home. I became angry after and wanted a good explanation from him, he owed me one because we were in a relationship at the time. We met up for dinner a few days after and I was going to forgive him. I loved him, and I was willing to put that in the past. We ordered our food and started talking. I forgave him in hopes that we would at least bring in the new year together. He looked at me in a weird way and said that he had already made plans to be with his grandma in Rosarito. How could someone plan to spend a holiday without their partner? New Years came and I stood home with my mom. I didn’t want to do anything but see him and spend time with him. I was going through it and I laid there with the phone next to me. Again I didn’t receive a call or anything from him, and I laid there and cried. Again I embarrassed myself in front of people crying over a guy, this time it was my mom.
After that we broke it off. It was unhealthy, and I was suffering emotionally inside. I read that a gay man’s first romantic relationship with another man is almost as influential in our lives as our relationship with our fathers. I also read that the majority of gay men’s first relationship ends in a disaster. After this relationship, I had a bitter outlook on relationships. It was now summertime and I was over the whole breakup for the most part. I got promoted as a manager at the age of twenty, so even though I failed horribly at my first relationship, I achieved one of my goals at work. I turned twenty-one soon after and started spending all of my weekends at the club. I was single and I wasn’t looking for anything more than just to have fun.

I was going out a lot and even became an alcoholic at the time. Truth was that I never really received any professional help for the abnormal childhood experience that I went through, and of course I was drinking because I lost two of the only men who I ever loved . I was unhappy and actually miserable at times. I was making good money, more than I have ever made, but money never really made me happy. I stood single for a good three years but I didn’t really get any help figuring out why my relationship failed. All of these caused a lot of trauma and the best way to cope with it was by drinking alcohol or abusing drugs. Whenever I was High or drunk, it helped me forget how fucked up my life was, and till this day, I sometimes feel the same.
My first relationship was horrible, and I really did not have enough support from friends and family because I was still in the closet. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. I was ashamed of my lifestyle at this point, and felt betrayed from my first relationship. This is the first time I actually write about my first relationship. This first relationship is what made me turn to alcohol and drugs. Life would have been so much easier for me If I was able to talk to someone.

That is why till this day, I still have trouble opening up to people. I’ve always done a good job at hiding things from people, and even developed a second identity. That second identity of mine was the front I had to put up so that society wouldn’t laugh at me because I was gay, and for the fact that I got my heart broken by another man.

Jorge Zamora

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

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