Signs That I Was Different

Ann Nani Moss February 6, 2012 1
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Queer brainstorm

I’ve always been extremely conscious. I was born with a brain that thinks about what it’s doing while it’s doing it.

I had an extreme fear of going to the bathroom in public from the age of 5 because I thought about the fact that people could hear me pee. If I said the words “thank you” I would think about the fact that someone was hearing me say thank you. If my mother was organizing a ride for me, I thought about the parent thinking about being burdened by having to take me home. (I still don’t like to ask people for things in any shape or form)

I told kids to call me fertilizer in elementary school. It wasn’t even low self-esteem. I just thought it was funny.

I played sports outside with boys. By age 6, my hair was short like a boy, and I sometimes wore my brother’s clothes, even undergarments.

I had a barbie. But I cut her hair off and wrote boy on it because I thought it was funny.

I didn’t bond with girls the same way they seemed to bond with each other. This was partly because I didn’t like doing what they did, but also because when I did try to be like them, I was aware of every movement of my body, every word coming out of my mouth(Can you say, AWWWKWARRDDD). This was never the case when I played sports. While moving and interacting, I was myself wholly.

By the time I got to middle school, doing what was unnatural to me(but necessary to fit in) and being me were blended into what I believed was me. I lived this way to some degree until this year. This unraveling of my blended unnatural/natural is still in progress. My decision to be queer has been the channel for my naturalness to flow.

Moral of the story? Wait is this a story? It was a brainstorming session. That turned into something. Like the diarrhea paintings I do. Throw water and paint, then throw a little less water, and be a little more careful with the paint.

Ok so moral of story(I’m making this up as I go along): You are being yourself, even when you aren’t “being yourself”. You are just being your unnatural self. There is nothing wrong with this. If you want things in this world, you have to do things you’d rather not do. The problem arises when you FORGET YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

There’s something so very empowering when you start making decisions for yourself. It’s an art that is never perfected, but you get better at it.

MOSS’s LATEST DECISIONS

1. To be queer —> Experienced chemistry I did not know existed even though it did not work out, feel more comfortable in my own skin, empowering no?

2. I am going to try a different career because I am uncomfortable, unhappy, or bored at work themajority of the time. If this is because I lack maturity, I will find out when I struggle in my next career, and I will be ok with that because I made the decision.

3. To try my best not to settle, and know when I am.

There are consequences to my decisions, but I am willing to accept those, as i believe making bad decisions are more important for me (at this time) than doing what is safe and convenient.

Empowering no?

One Comment »

  1. Elizabeth
    Elizabeth February 7, 2012 at 6:28 pm - Reply

    Thank you for sharing this! It is beautiful, witty and sincere.. Such talent 🙂

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