For the past couple of years, I’ve been writing an exit blog at the closure of the year. Before, I started writing this, I went back and read what I’ve written. I laughed at a lot of the things but most of all it triggered so many feelings and memories that regardless of bad and good, I never want to erase. For they are my most precious gift to the older me in years to come; they not only build courage but wisdom. My past ‘goals’ have become my déjà-vu.
I have felt like since I’ve turned 30, everything has been crazy challenging. Putting my own dreams and goals aside for the love of my family, it’s not difficult to understand, because when you love your family the way I do, you’ll do anything without questions or expectations. I could continue saying in each exit blog that each year is challenging and has taught me lessons. But then again, I believe each day we are taught a lesson and in each day, as my mother says “cada dia traera sus propias inquietudes” (‘each day will bring it’s own concerns’) so we shouldn’t worry about the next year yet. However, let me tell you, this year has been filled with concerns and pain. Disillusions, disappointments from colleagues and community leaders and family members; not only pain from the lack of leadership, but also deal with a teen who is in her prime state of rebellion and also deal with the loss of friends who either didn’t see their death coming or committing suicide; and the last thing that broke me was almost losing my mother to a minor heart attack, which led to my own lack of determination and motivation. How can a human being in this state of mind be productive at all or would it be swayed as not strong enough to handle life struggles? I beg to differ, not because it’s my own life that I speak of, but because I am human. As much as I portray to be a superhero (although, we all are, regardless) I can’t deny the late hours of confusion and pain that I’ve felt (I’m sure Wolverine felt this way at some point). I’ve been blessed in having a huge network and never-ending friends, but, at the hour that I needed a friend… I’ve felt alone.
If you were to ask me, if on Jan 1st of this year, I knew that I would be faced with all of the things I described above, I would’ve said “No!” I would’ve said, “This year for 2014, I will expand my business, have a better relationship with my niece, my parents will have a better health, I will have more performances and my second book will be published”. Then again, that’s exactly what I said, however, whoever believes in us having a destiny, is out of their mind or completely in love with fairytales. I don’t believe that my destiny is to deal with all these things, I believe it’s simply life lessons and they come in different ways. Regardless, of what’s thrown at us, we are the ones in control of making our path, our mark, our destiny. This year, I’ve fallen very low, I’ve pulled away from projects, business endeavors and procrastinated on the release of my second book. I’ve been questioned if I can lead, take on more responsibility and even focus on one project at a time. Why? Because, I’ve had lack of sleep, lack of motivation, had my parents in and out of the hospital – basically dark moons around my eyes. There’s my reasoning behind resigning to several things this year. So for 2015, I’m not focusing on desires, maybe I won’t discuss my goals. I’ll just expect what I give out to the universe; and that my fellow reader is hardwork. How to give something great that comes from my heart with value? With honesty and love.
Through it all, I think it’s overly amusing that as humans we put all these expectations on ourselves, each year-end. Why do we do it? Maybe, it’s to make ourselves feel better about the failed attempts of happiness throughout the year or perhaps, it’s us trying to self-motivate and have something to look forward to and show off to our peers that we’ve set high ‘goals’ for the New Year. Then again, maybe it’s just hope. Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with setting goals. But when people express ‘goals’ such as loosing 50 lbs by certain date, saving $5,000 by a certain month or having a better relationship with their family members; if you really think about it, those aren’t goals, those are desires. Look at what I just said about my 2014 goals, they weren’t goals, they were desires. The goal would be to put a plan in place, maybe a weekly plan and follow through it. At least that’s what Dr. Randy Marshall has talked about in his conferences and in his book “Surprised by Serenity”. But, many times we become so overly excited about the “finish line” than the process that sometimes, if we don’t meet those goals, we just give up. Clearly, life is never going to give up on us, it will continue to throw us curve-balls and see how prepared we are to catch and move on. But, we can never be prepared for something we’ve never experienced before, that’s why it’s important to be a true student to the” School of Life”. According to my parents and many great wise folk, that’s the best school ever. Not only will it teach you to grow, eat, climb but also, protect, survive, believe and humility.
With each year that passes by, it doesn’t get easier to deal with certain health issues that my parents may have, nor deal with a young girl discovering her identity in life, or the discrepancies that my family has when it comes to communication, respect and trust (then again, tell me what family doesn’t have issues.) But, one thing I’ve discovered is… it’s become easier for me to understand life. Even though, at times I may feel completely overwhelm by it all, and that’s what this year was for me. Overwhelming. I’ve had to swallow my pride and sacrifice so much but I get it. This is L I F E, and we either sink or swim. Ask me if I regret anything I’ve done this year…. My answer is, “No”. I can never regret anything I’ve done this year, because in every moment, whether it was a bad or good decision, I learned something. If there are two components to my sanity this year, it’s been humility and patience. Trust me, those two things aren’t easy to digest. But I have to thank God for putting the right people around me this year to be either my heroes or my pillars. As much of a leader that I’m considered in my circle of friends and community, I can only lead in a positive path if I’m being lead by wise people.
So as I say good-bye on this 365 page of my 2014 book, I am filled with so many mixed feelings. Tears of joy and pain are still there boiling in my rib cage waiting to exhale. Regardless of the lessons learned this year, I am happy that I have my most prized heroes still in my life, for they are the air in my lungs, the ink to my quill, a poet’s everlasting sonnet and a Salvie’s dream of a peaceful country. To my Queen, my mother that without her wise words and soothing tone, I would’ve lost my courage, to my Dad, for his reminders of dreams that he’s had for me since I was a baby, that anything I want to do in life is attainable, I just need to fight for it!
So thank you 2014 for breaking me and giving me another layer of strength… I know now that there is life even after you show no mercy.
“To live, is to be conscious of your surroundings; To love, is to feel every smile and tear as if it were yours; To sacrifice, is to give up everything, even love, for those that still give you life even when you’re no longer living”. – cyn da’ poet
Happy New Year! Here’s to 2015.