It’s funny waking up to several messages like “YAY!; AWESOME!; ARE YOU WAITING ANXIOUSLY FOR COURT DECISION? and even wanna get married?”. Obviously I haven’t been feeling good these past days so I overslept and forgot that Marriage Equality’s decision was on the verge. I felt like the Sheriff who woke up in the hospital after the world went to hell in the Walking Dead (can you imagine how that show would be different if a queer was the lead?). Anyway, I honestly don’t know what I feel with the Court’s ruling. Maybe it’s a bit of mixed emotions with the background of my family and my personal view.
Since, I was little I was told what my role would be as a woman. Yep, you got it right…take care of the ‘head of the house’, by cooking, cleaning, being an example of a humble wife and having babies. By the age of 18, I was engaged to a boy (yes, I know….what was I thinking?) Anyway, I gotta give it to my parents, they let me be independent about my decisions at such a young age and trusted that I would either make the right choice or learn from my actions. Thank god that I didn’t marry the boy, ‘cause I would’ve been miserable in that marriage and perhaps even had kids. That’s my last thought, hurting the innocent.
In the past 15 years of my life it has been interesting, Love has always found me in the most interesting ways, through mutual friends, at a bar, online, coffeehouses, retreats and even on new years eve. I’ve always wondered which one is stronger, “love or marriage”… I guess it varies for many, for me… it’s love. After being engaged twice, once with a boy and once with a girl and a possible third that never got around to proposing; I think my excitement over getting married has changed a bit or perhaps I’ve just gotten a bit more cautious of who I want to discuss marriage with. Then again, I’m nervous ‘cause I’ve made promises to a couple of exes that if by age 35 we weren’t married, we would marry each other and settle. HA! That’s really funny, specially ‘cause in 6 months I’ll be 34…yikes! Better have a plan of escape. LOL (Quick! To the Cynmobile!)
Now, as you read this you might be wondering: “at what point is Cyn, really going to show her excitement about the ruling of CA marriage equality?” Well, read between the lines, it’s all over the place (literally) because I didn’t expect this to happen any time soon or maybe I was in denial, maybe the fact that I can’t truly show my emotions with my family, even though they know, I somehow feel that I’m still in the closet. My mind and heart are still in shock, it’s like someone just injected me with a dose of ‘euphoria & nostalgia’; an addict finding a glimpse of hope and truth on the funnies. Definitely, it’s surreal. Specially, after a night of hearing my 13 yr old niece ask my mom:
Niece: “lita (short for abuelita), usted nunca aceptaria si mi papa en vez de tener una novia tiene un novio y lo trae aqui a la casa?
Mom: “Nunca, quiero que respeten mi casa!”.
Niece: “Pero no hablemos del sexo, estamos hablando del Amor”.
Mom: “Bueno, cuando los hijos crecen ya no se puede hacer nada, ellos son adultos y toman sus deciciones”
Last night I put my headset on and pretended that I wasn’t hearing the conversation, I was shocked and nervous and at the same time proud that my niece was standing her ground and questioning my mom’s views. Something, I couldn’t do at that age. Also, hearing how my niece conducted the conversation and instead of putting me in the spot, she deviated the attention of my gayness towards my brother. That witty little girl, I tell you, she’s something else. I wonder if she sees herself marrying a boy or girl… hmm. I knew I never saw myself growing old with a boy but it was always unclear growing up if I saw myself with another woman. It wasn’t until my early 20’s that I did picture myself growing old with a woman. I guess my niece will find out what’s in store for her.
I must be frank though, I am very excited, excited for all the couples that can marry and for the youth this is HUGE, not only does it give them a different perspective but also HOPE that the world is changing, slowly but we are making progress. This should inspire the youth to work harder and focus to continue empowering our community in the future. All the things you do today or what you don’t do, will affect the progress of our gay community.
At 18, I was scared to glance at a girl in front of my family, at 13 my niece comes out to my brother and says she likes girls. At 19 was the first time I felt strongly for a girl. At 13 my niece got her heart broken by a girl. At 20, I came out to my mom and at 33, I came out to my dad. At 13 my niece comes out to the family, has a sit down conversation with my mom and questions her views on gays. Is this progress or simply genetic evolution? Maybe, it’s social evolution, simply humanity is coming to its own senses. This isn’t a battle for marriage, it’s a battle for being able to have the same rights as traditional couples do, with the people they LOVE; Gays LOVE too you know. We don’t just party, dance, rescue puppies and kittens, do drugs and celebrate our queerness every day. . . we fall in love very fabulously but with more fashion sense. We love for the right reasons, because love has been hard for us to find when we were in the closet, love hasn’t always been the first word many learned at a young age, love didn’t come with acceptance, love didn’t stand up for all the lives that have been lost. Love to us, has been dancing the night away, drinking our pain away, using to feel invincible, sowing each beating on a sweater, rescuing puppies and kittens because they won’t judge us.
Regardless, of my parents views, I have to thank them because after all, they did raise a little girl to stand strong and believe in herself, regardless of who wouldn’t believe in me. They raised a warrior. Here’s to a victory in our state, a change, for the miles we’ve gained in this marathon for all the queers that can show off their tiaras and tux’s together! I look forward to the day I can stand strong next to my wife (that’s if and when I find her, lol). So show the love we have in our hearts… because our L O V E has no borderlines, and knows all colors! Cheers!
’till next time my fellow queers!