The Queer Lesbian’s Guide to Hooking Up in L.A.

Alex January 28, 2012 1
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So I’ve sort of developed this reputation as being a ‘ladies-dyke’. I don’t know who started this rumor but it’s kinda true. I’m a lover.

Occasionally a friend or acquaintance will hit me up for some advice. I love talking about sex and women and I like to share my experiences. I came up with this guide so I didn’t have to keep repeating myself, but also, hoping maybe I could help more people, people I don’t know, who might be plagued by dry-spells. If you’re truly ready for the best sex of your life, read on…

#1: Don’t Go To The Club Looking Love

…unless you love haterade-addicted materialistic lezbots that are more interested in fucking with minds than fucking with women. I have these friends that always say stuff like, “Watch me get this hoes’ number.” If she is a hoe, she’s probably giving that number to everyone. Being picky isn’t good for business. You are special. Get a number from a woman that appreciates you for being special. Clubs are loud. How much can she find out about you as you yell at each other under the generically remixed beats of top 40 pop songs?

Go there to have a good time. There are a handful of lesbian parties throughout the city. I’m not gonna run through every party. Most of you know the lesbian scene in L.A. does not satisfy you. It’s not the lesbians in L.A. that are the problem; it’s just some of the lesbians at the club that got problems. Quite often these parties are dominated by ordinary people; they might be lesbians but they’re not queer. Catwalk has a good queer presence. Most of that crowd is taken, someone’s ex or in love with their homegirl and not doing anything about it but doesn’t want you to talk to her either. Be careful if you’re considering going here to hook up. The Catch has the same sort of closeness. Most crowds everywhere are regulars. She might be there though, Mz. RightNow.

Avoid easy targets. The first time I turned down a girl (she was curious and falling all over herself and the ground) I was really proud of myself. She was clearly goin through some shit. I just wanted to have fun. Taking home the saddest woman in the club did not sound like fun. Set your sights high! I don’t even want to think about the drama that would have followed if I had taken her back to my apartment that night. Pass.

There are lesbians everywhere! The club is not the only place to find lesbians. There are lesbians at Starbucks. There are lesbians at boy bars. There are lesbians on the moon. House parties are almost guaranteed action. We are everywhere. Get out!

Or stay in and…

#2: Get On the Internet

Especially if you’re just looking for some casual NSA lovin, (No Strings Attached) the web is the best venue in town. The internet can introduce you to women from all over the city; women that might not have the time or desire to deal with drunk ass little girls at the club; grown ass women with grown ass needs.

Some people say they’ve had bad experiences with online dating. I’ve had bad experiences too. I’ve had bad experiences off the web. Women are crazy. You can’t love them all. Believe me, I’ve tried. Fuckin’ ain’t dating. Know what you want and make it clear.

Where to go? I like PlentyOfFish.com. I’ve met some amazing women, NSA, we’re still cool. OKCupid was less satisfying in the long run, ended up with 2 ex-girlfriends thanks to that site. But my favorite, just because it’s so taboo: CRAIGSLIST! It’s not as sleazy as it sounds, but it’s a tough one. Definitely had a lot of misses, but I stayed persistent and ended up meeting a few extremely amazing women in a short period of time. One was a school teacher that had just moved to town from Florida. One was a single mother; she had a gang of kids and a beautiful soul. I’ve met so many women via the internet that I would not have met otherwise. Looking for a like-minded individual who shares your same interests? I’m still overwhelmed; I got her number at the AIDS Walk MeetUp. The Butch-Femme Social Club of Los Angeles is a local lesbian Meetup.com group. Whatever you’re into, there’s a group for that.

#3: Quality Not Quantity

This isn’t a guide to help you go out and sex up as many women as possible. If you really want to get the most out of the experience there needs to be that mutual respect. If you respect women and yourself, they will come! …into your life.

You don’t have anything to prove to anyone. This is not a competition. Don’t play games and don’t tolerate

"Love Games" music video screenshot

games being played. If she’s confused about how awesome you are, move on to a smarter woman. A smart woman knows a good queer when she sees one. Smart women know what they want, and what they want is usually ultra kinky sex.

Don’t be demanding, if she wants to take it slow, you better believe she’ll be worth the wait. Don’t rush yourself either. When the time is right, the experience will be greater than you could ever imagine. Express your needs. I’m sure you’ll be able to work something out.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

#4: Dress to Possess

You’re here! You’re queer! Captivate her with that first glance. Before she speaks to you, she will probably see you. *Vision-impaired woman are of course one exception.

We are labeled butches, femmes, stems, studs, trannies, andros, genderqueers and countless other identities that do not really define who we are. We’ve refused to limit our lifestyles to society’s narrow perceptions of how a woman should function. We are queer. The mainstream world has created images of what they believe to be acceptable appearances for others. It’s your body, your skin, your clothes, your hair; not theirs. Do what feels right for you.

There’s nothing sexy about conformity. Going to an event that says ‘dress to impress’? Dress to impress who? Do you really wanna look like half the other women in the room? If you’re looking for some action, or better yet, want some action to come looking for you, it helps to stand out!

We’re queer because we don’t fit in. Be out and proud.

Be who you are & be comfortable. Have fun. It shows. Women like that.

If you still live at Moms’ but you’re rockin the pimp suit, newsflash, pimps don’t live with Mom. The gangsta look doesn’t even work for gangstas? I’m from the hood, most gangstas are ignorant and broke. Wankstas. Queer hipsters make me sad. If your parents are nice enough to support you, appreciate it. Don’t waste their hard earned money on overpriced ‘vintage’ rags. Hipsters latch onto a community more diverse than what they grew up around seeking acceptance on one level and disrespectfully stealing from every other culture on the other. We don’t have to try to be cool; queers are cool by design. Ladies: Everybody knows I love boobs but please, keep it classy. Nobody wants to be the girl that wants everybody to know she has nothing better to offer. Look over there: she pops her tits out like a straight girl. Too easy.

Fashion is an art form. Express yourself. Your body is a gift, wrap it in something cute.

#5: Get A Lil’ Tipsy!

Now I’m not encouraging anybody to go out and get shit-faced. Just have a couple rounds. No matter how cool you wanna think you are, you’re still strange and you know it. It’s a beautiful thing but it ain’t easy being different.

Rejection sucks (so I hear).The fear of rejection is something I am familiar with. A couple cocktails can take the edge of any anxieties or fears that may develop before that first kiss or the first time you ask her out. I fuckin hate butterflies! Alcohol has this magical calming power. Too many times I’ve had encounters that never made it passed a deep conversation. That’s great and all but I would have rather had great conversation and great sex. We were both too tense, too sober. It’s okay to ask the liquor gods for some help calming those nerves.

Moderation is key!

***

Get out there, be confident, be respectful and have fun! Love you much!

-Alex

One Comment »

  1. Elizabeth
    Elizabeth March 26, 2012 at 9:05 pm - Reply

    Love this piece Alex! So much truth in this article, thanks for sharing. ~”Quality not Quantity”

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