Dating Can Be Bliss or BS

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Words on Relationships

I have a theory about intimate relationships.

It takes three main ingredients for a healthy prosperous relationship to be established. Some would argue it only takes one – true love. With true love, everything will be conquered. Well, I must politely disagree, as I find the notion a bit naive and trite. Love is indeed a powerful force but it is hardly the salvation of all relationships. If this were the case, people in love would never break up; they would remain together forever. Some might argue that people “fall out of love.” Well that might be the case but what they’re failing to recognize is WHY people “fall out of love.” The reason commonly lies within the other two factors that I believe encompass a healthy intimate relationship. The other two are trust and respect.

Love is the easiest aspect of this relationship to achieve. It is very chemical and spawns quickly when people have good chemistry. They spend time together and become intimate and share their lives with one another. The other two are not so easy and are no as chemical. An individual can love their partner and not trust them. They can also love their partner and not respect them. Allow me to explain.

For example, say an individual has been with his partner for a year. This is long enough that the initial infatuation some people claim at the one of their relationships has passed and there has been significant time to truly get to know one another. However, say this individual, Mr. X, has picked up a new habit. He begins checking his partner’s phone at night before they sleep while he is in the shower. This behavior is rooted in mistrust. The love that they have established is still present. They sleep together, live together, are intimate, and demonstrate affection, but this does not stop the individual’s mind from coalescing certain ideas. Mr. X does not trust that his partner is behaving in ways that are conducive with their relationship and this shows in his behaviors.

Concerning respect, say Mr. X has developed a reason as to why he does not trust his partner. His partner has picked up a  new habit as well – going out with his friends without Mr. X. He constantly and consistently tells Mr. X that he will be leaving for the night and comes back in the early morning after what is assumingly a fun night. Mr. X’s partner, Mr. Z, demonstrates a lack of consideration for his partner’s feelings and the relationship they share. By not COMMUNICATING purpose and intention of his outings and avidly trying to incorporate his partner in his life experiences, Mr. Z is demonstrating a lack of respect for his partner. Again, the love they share is sound, but it takes more than love to make things work.

We as individuals need to be more aware of how we treat our partners. Very often we either assume we know how our partner feels about a certain event or topic or we fail to take in their input. Sometimes this is not even our own fault, we don’t do this maliciously. I know I have done this to individuals before and it took me awhile to realize what I was doing. When we enter a relationship we are taking a personal investment in the growth of another human being. To learn, challenge, and expand ourselves through the experiences and intimacy we share with another. We are still individuals, but we need to remember our responsibility to our relationship. We need to think of our partners and show CONSIDERATION, AFFECTION, and THOUGHFULNESS. These things are the manifestations of trust and respect and help keep a relationship working.

This being said, I want to talk about individuals who choose to date more than one person in a non disclosed environment. People who choose to date intimately behind their partners’ back are immensely problematic. If you disclose to your partners that you are dating more than one person and all parties are in agreement with that being ok, then so be it. If you are cowardly enough to hide those facts behind your partners’ backs, well then this is an entirely different issue.

I have found that individuals who seek to hide the facts of their dating life from the people they date to understand the value of deception. By misleading facts, lying, and censoring certain things, such individuals are capable fo having more than one intimate/romantic relationship at once, even if this is not what their partners wanted. Is this genuinely the kind of person you want to be involved with? Clearly there is a lack of respect. This individual is out for their own interests or incapable of making a decision.

Here is a fact – life is hard. If you find something better, more interesting, more desirable than what you have and you are willing to give it up, take responsibility for your choice and make it known. You will still cause pain to people, but rather that pain come from an honest declaration rather than a lie that’s been escalating. The pain that will come when your deception becomes known is much more potent and much more detrimental to all parties involved.

This “player” mentality has some pretty moronic aspects. The ability to maintain sexual conquest over individuals you desire, to keep them all in the dark about it, and to transpire whatever selfish benefits you gain from that whole façade are rooted in the weakest of human characteristics. Insecurity, selfishness, disrespect, inconsideration, empty lust, and the attempt to gain some sense of an otherwise absent degree of self worth. Individuals who enjoy sex, are happy and confident about the relationships and partners they carry, are proud to boast them honestly to their own benefit. Those who secure such relationships for their own needs do not disclose them due to shame, guilt, and selfishness. All the perceived glamour of the “player” mentality is really just a myth. Anyone with powerful self esteem and a sharp mind will tell you such an attitude is not for them.

When entering relationships remember it is not one sided. Be honest about your feelings, your fears, your goals, your desires. Sharing them will only help you build your relationship or find a partner worthy to start something serious with. If you are one of those individuals who is getting played, take your power back. Acknowledge that despite the powerful affections you feel for this individual they are crystal clear in their demonstrations lacking respect and trust. It will not work for you or for anyone else trying to date this individual. MOVE ON, handle the pain, it will subside. Dating will be either bliss or BS, you have the ability to decide that.


James Michael Chavez (Jáime) is a 25 year old Latino bisexual male working at Bienestar, a nonprofit organization offering HIV services, drug abuse services, and different programs implemented to better the LBGT Latino population and other underserved communities. He works out of the Van Nuys branch as a Youth Health Advocate, facilitating a youth support group, teaching HIV education, and offering a peer-counseling life skills program to applicants. He is an alumni of Cal State University Northridge where he received his major in Psychology, specializing in cognitive behavior, and a Minor in Chicano Studies. He has experience in teaching kids as young as the first grade up to young adults as college freshman. He has training in Applied Behavioral analysis, exemplified in dealing with kids with autism. He is also no stranger to the gay social life in Los Angeles, keeping an avid network of friends and loved ones and a friendly attitude to all around him.

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