It Shouldn’t Be This Hard to Be Easy::Reflecting on Slut Power

Mariko Passion January 31, 2012 0
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I am reflecting on my weekend. Being on drugs, being a whore, being drunk at a bar, being a slut. Do you automatically give away your power when you decide to wear each of these hats? How different are the combinations of each of these elements if you are female bodied or male privileged?

I can only talk about this topic in terms of fucking men.  Men are wired to conquer sexually in ways that I believe women are simply not.  Thus the lesbian lack of sex dilemma that I and many other queer women sometimes face.  As a survivor, I respect consent.  Even with drunk people.  Even with people who crawl on their hands and knees before me and call themselves my submissives.  I ask them (the first time) if it is okay if I pee on their heads or spill my period blood on them, so in that vein of mutual respect I expect men to ask me, if they can ejaculate in my mouth or my face.  But, as we who have sex with men know, sometimes they don’t ask.

Last night, I was lonely went to a bar in downtown LA and had 2 white Russians. It led me to 2 Latinos.  easily.  I am usually not this easy.  Sex work makes me a hard ass.  A whore revolutionary.  Alcohol makes me easier.  I tweeted today that it makes me “rapeable.”  Of course it would.  I was date raped on a beach in Hawaii at 17 because I was a sexy teenager who was drunk alone with all men in a European backpacking hostel.  How stupid of me.  Flash forward to last night, this was not Waikiki, this was some bar in LA that I’d never been to before.  I am not even that hip to bar culture cuz over time, not just because of the trauma of this incident, but alcohol as a drug made me sick physically, made me not trust my strength, made me unable to drive, unable to be as independent as I usually was everyday.  I don’t hang out at bars or clubs without good music, unless they are gay bars probably because I probably don’t feel comfortable/safe in environments where the primary purpose is to get laid.

Ive taken anonymous guys home before from clubs and bars, but never places like parks or busses.  I have barely had anonymous sex with a woman outside of sex work or without the presence of a man in the equation! (UPDATE: I went to a playspace Dungeon somewhere in the Valley!  I got fucked and woman handled by the “baby mamas DL club!”  This woman with 5 kids was out for a good time, and so she jumped on me.  Her friends all had watchful boyfriends and they weren’t as active as the first girl who approached me.  That was fun, anonymous sex that involved just women…i think it has to do with going to sex environments or not perhaps?

I wonder if slut is a term given by straight men to describe a certain type of “straight/bi” woman?  I wonder if i were a gay guy if I would have the “heart” (or lack of) to deal with the rawness of a male sex space and the rape culture present in that if I were male bodied (What does rape culture even look like in a queer men’s world?).  Perhaps I’d stick to the spa or the internet.  I have trouble being in public sex spaces like play parties and orgies because my history with sexual violence.  Believe it or not being a prostitute has helped heal a lot of the previous sexual hang ups I had and I now attribute the strength, healing and knowledge that I have from years of being a sex having sex worker.  (as opposed to a non sex having sex worker like a stripper, which I was before).  Of course, prostitution is getting paid to have anonymous sex.  And I think after last night without going into a “fuck misogynistic assholes/rape culture” rant which sort of follows a heteronormative model, I am trying to pick out the positive aspects of what was last night and relate my experience of last night to my gay guy brothers (maaaaybe other queer sisters) who definitely know what slut culture perfected looks like in their mind AND who can definitely draw up a reaction when I ask if they have ever had someone non consensually bust a NUT in their face and how does it make them feel?

As a full time escort, I would usually have SUBSTANTIALLY less sexual partners than any gay man who I was close to.  But being friends with a gay guy for me wasn’t about being a “fag hag,” in fact, I resent that title.  I’m queer family, not a straight ally or voyeur.  BUT, our shared experience of sucking lots of dicks and fucking lots of anonymous dudes like buying new toothpaste is WHY i love you grrrrrrllllll.  LOL  Feel me?  Most gay men put this whore to humble shame by simply comparing vague numbers of partners.   I am usually not a slut, just a sex worker and its clear to me after befriending many a gay guy that horny men have more sex than horny women by far.   The thing that complicates my queer sexuality, and perhaps also why I don’t like the term fag hag is that I actually don’t get that excited by dick (the description, the pictures of, the thought of, etc) but I am attracted to men and women.  So, while I can talk about fucking dudes with the best of them, getting excited about cock has somehow been dewired out of me, even though I know what a “good dick” is, that I like having it and know what it is capable of…like Facebook says,”its complicated.”

When I am drunk, I can be a “slut” (but what does this really mean?)  I am a whore (a paid sex worker) or a girlfriend or someone you take out on a nice date.  I’m not a “slut” (but maybe I am?).  And I think after last night I realize exactly WHY.  There is so little power in being a drunken bar slut.  Even less power is available to this drunken bar slut than is afforded the educated whore.  And now I really understand once again not “why I chose the latter” but RATHER how I was LED TO A PATH which included rejecting being a slut and taking pride in being a whore as a result of the sexual violence I had experienced, when I wasn’t even being a slut.

Last night I guess I was being a slut because I decided to go home with these guys.  I was pretty sure we would have sex and that was going to be fine with me.  I consented.  Guy#1 was older and he was the asshole.  He took me outside to the fire escape and tried to get me to have sex out there in public view which I don’t ever do, and then I just decided I was ok with sucking his dick, which he amazingly had a non lubricated condom for me to suck on, which i appreciated.  But then he takes the condom off and shoots a load in my face and hair!  Like a bad feminist porn, I can remember saying drunkenly, “I just want to be empowered and respected.” BOOYAH.  There’s some empowerment for ya, bitch.  Whoa.  I stood up and just graciously, seamlessly make my way through the apartment and to the bathroom and wash my hair and face.  And then without any hesitation that I can remember I’m on the back couch getting fucked by a cute 24 year old cousin.  Its not bad.  It’s good.  24 is very very good.  it’s my new favorite age.  Fuck machine prime.  So nothing shady happens between me and the cousin, I eventually get dressed, i think sex with Guy#1 happens again, I am totally unsure!  Jesus.  me and young 24 are conversing.  He is sexy.  Mexican.  Longish hair.  I end the night fucking him.  I don’t know why or how I stopped.  It was all consensual.  I got dressed. I was getting ready to leave.  I try to hug Guy#1 and he shrinks back in disgust towards me.  Slut shame.  I am dirty because I had his cum in my hair still (not)?  Or because I had just had sex with his cousin?  Replaying it in my head is confusing but nevertheless did a great job making me feel literally dirty for what I had done with him.  Oh, I wish it were a roleplay, I really do.

I made the 24 yo walk me to my car, he was nice.  I remember telling him my name but he kind of nodded like he cared but didn’t.  I wish he did because I could use his dick in me again, really, maybe while not drunk even.  That’s how I usually take it.

I am reflecting on how Ive experienced bad treatment as a paid whore, but “at least I got paid” for having to endure some of the bullshit.  Guy#2’s treatment of me last nite totally stunk of the experience of being 17 again for some reason even though the two incidents were very different.  I wonder if gay guy sluts have to deal with the same kind of disrespect.  I definitely know that there is some kind of mutual code of shame in anonymous sex culture that seems to happen when two strangers hook up, fuck furiously and then walk in opposite directions never to speak again.  Even sex workers have better rapport than THAT!  A lot of sex workers see their clients on a regular basis.  (I don’t like this, but lots of others do).  It seems like getting to know the actual person on a human level is totally against their policy.  They are too busy forgetting about each other before they meet it seems.  I command respect from men most of the time.  But I do this with a smile and a sexy outfit.  Last nite I lost some of my power.   I am always surprised when men do what they do to me. I think what surprises me most this time was that it wasn’t on a call or work it was free slutting around.  And I remember why I charge for what I do and why I don’t trust myself drunk.  My massage and sex sessions are very personable.  We talk and connect and then we have sex for a little bit.  I am totally in control.

Do the words slut and whore not relate in the same way to gay guys or others? Do tell.  That was one of the arguments against white female centered SlutWalk from Toronto.  I remember one gay guy “slut” friend i had in LA would tell me how he would nevvver consider being a sex worker, it was something he would never ever do.  It’s too bad because he would have made a pretty decent living doing it, if he even just got $20 everytime he was with another guy!   I got in my car and drove drunk to Del TAco. Ate it all after “being used and cummed on by  2 Latin guys.”  Another carnal desire fulfilled.  Fast food.  I hadn’t eaten any fast food in months.  But, like the instant gratification of having these two guys, it was pretty good.  The fish tacos, the sex, the freedom to be able to just do whatever you feel.  I really just wish that guy hadn’t ruined this experience by being so disrespectful and why I care so much.  And I wish more women did operate this way, but I stood as a living example for why they didn’t.  Often times, girls hit on me when they’re geeked on ecstasy.  I love to make out with them but it rarely leads to sex.  I’ve been at a Dinah Shore lesbo pool party and literally asked women to fuck me with no luck.  But I’ve also had hot sex with two female porn performers in my bed on seperate occasions, so don’t go thinking I am totally pathetic with women, just getting anonymous, spontaneous ones seems pretty fucking impossible, unless they are sex workers at a sex worker conference, then it seems easier!   I probably shouldn’t be so forthcoming about that but I know its motherfucking true so there are others who will feel me!  Women are hard and Men are Easy.  But what makes men hard is their own bullshit.  They oppress themselves and ultimately lose when they try to make me feel like a loser for giving them my gifts.

I really do feel that if I wasn’t bisexual I would never get laid.  I really wish I could understand women are so difficult to have sex with at times.  I can understand the frustration of “not getting any” but no, I can’t understand just doing what I wanted sexually to someone without their consent, to punish them for being difficult, or, like some men do to me, to punish them for being easy.  In the world of women having sex with men, where men take more than they are given so often is there a feeling that you can “never win” when MEN have sex with men.  Does the slut/whore/housewife dichotomy even EXIST for male sluts or is it just reserved for half of the world that I spend a lot of time in?  I don’t even think there is even such a concept as being a slut in gay male sex culture.  I am not, however saying that men don’t rape or abuse other men either.   I know plenty of male survivors (mostly straight identified actually).  My hypothesis is that the fact that queer men don’t experience the violence of what is known as “rape culture” within the context of “regular dating” is the primary difference between me and a fag hag who loves to get matching Abercrombie bags with her gay friend Jules at the mall.

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