On Lovin’ A Handsome Woman

Candace June 16, 2012 2
On Lovin’ A Handsome Woman
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I have much better things to do with my time than write about people who mean nothing to me.  But, I am on a flight and I still have two and a half hours until I land in Austin.  I have some time, and my mind can’t rid of these thoughts.  I guess this isn’t really about people who mean nothing to me.  This is just a response to their ignorance, an ignorance that unfortunately affects me.

I was on Facebook and ran across an article about Cynthia Nixon and her partner, Christine Marinoni, on People magazine’s website.  The article showed a picture of them at their recent wedding in New York – Nixon in a light green and flowing gown and her partner in a tux with a bowtie to match her lovely bride.  I must say, I look at this couple and don’t see much of a reflection of myself in them.  They are white and wealthy (among other things), which is, unfortunately, the typical representation of a “healthy, lesbian couple” in the media (Think Samantha and Lindsay, Melissa and Tammy Lynn, Portia and Ellen, Ellen and Anne, Portia and Francesca – you get the recycled idea).  So its not as if I follow them on Twitter or anything, I’m not a loyal fan.  But I am a big sucker for love, romance, and nontraditional wedding dresses.  I can’t help myself.

I thought the photo was stunning with the New York City skyline behind them.  I asked myself questions like, what did they eat at the reception?  Was there music?  Was the ceremony as stoic as Nixon’s face?  It made me feel a little giddy inside.  I understand that radical and progressive queers see gay marriage at the bottom of the list of priorities for our communities.  I agree.  I’m much more concerned with the health, job security, and safety in schools for my queer brothers and sisters.  However, there is something special and moving about declaring one’s love and commitment to another person in front of friends, family and the higher beings.  There is something sacred about it.  Legal or not I would feel blessed to participate in this one day.

After studying the photo and going through my own thoughts about marriage I did what no reasonable gay should do: I read the comments section.  I don’t know why I chose to torture myself in this way, but I did.  The comments were a mix of congratulations, Bible verses “condemning” homosexuality, and just plain ignorant and hurtful comments that I’ve read over and over again on these kinds of blogs.  Some were honest, but stupid questions.  I feel compelled to respond to this, not because I care what complete strangers think.  But because in a round about way they are talking about me and my life.  These are responses I have heard all too often in person and not on a computer screen.

The Ever-Ready Hard Dick  

I repeatedly read and hear that lesbians (particularly feminine ones) just haven’t found the right dick, or the author of the comment is waiting ever-ready with a hard dick, or what the women actually need in their life is a hard dick and that’s why they are gay because they haven’t experienced one.   Dick dick dick.  What an unoriginal surprise that the center of theuniverse once again resides in the dangly member, as if this is all men have to offer.  As if its all they are good for.  I mean,think a little higher of yourself, would ya?  And I don’t understand the mentality of “finding” this good dick, as if it’s the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie titled “Search for the Missing Dick”.  Contrary to popular belief its not that hard to find one.  I could have one in five minutes, in fact there probably is one about three feet away from me right now as we speak that I could more than likely get my hands on. And – this really is the only time I ever think this way, but – look at me.  No really, look at me.  Does it look like I would have a hard time finding a hard dick or coming across one?  I didn’t think so.  Lack of availability really is not the problem.  There are just preferences in the form in which it arrives.

Why a Cinderfella?

The other pressing question that many had about the newlyweds was why would such an elegant and feminine woman marry a “woman who looks like a man.  If you want to date women wouldn’t you want that person to look more like a girl?”  There were confusions about the tuxedo, why she would choose to dress that way and how could Nixon be attracted to her?  First of all, I don’t intend to speak on behalf of my masculine-of-center sisters.  Their comfort and security in their style is for them to discuss (or not), but I can most certainly speak to the confusion around being with a handsome woman.  I find that these questions need to be answered on a near 3rd grade level.  You see people have many different attractions to each other. Some people like tall people.  Others like boys with blue eyes or girls with dark hair.  Its all about attraction and gender presentation is a category we gays sometimes think about when it comes to dating.  Actually don’t you straight people do that too?  Some men are into very feminine women while others prefer someone they can live with in the great outdoors.  Or ladies, you may be attracted to some burly lumberjack guy or the complete opposite of that.  Personally, I find handsome women to be very attractive.  There is something very sexy about the embodiment of a masculine femininity, a woman who wears a tie so naturally, who carries herself in a way that conforms to no one – just the sheer comfort and identity she belongs to.  I’m attracted to and have dated all kinds of women, but there is something magnetic about a woman who owns that she’s not like all the other girls.

Are you living under a rock?  


Finally, I should cease to be shocked at some of these comments because I forget that some people just aren’t around gay people.  About that – how do you not know any gay people?  Do you live under a rock, or somewhere in the Midwest or something?  And that’s not even an excuse anymore because the level of Midwest queer transplants now living in San Francisco, Los Angeles, Austin, etc is high and steady-growing.  I’m am amazed, though I shouldn’t be, by these questions because it indicates that someone has never had a conversation like that with someone like me.  Meaning, you’ve never had a real conversation with a self-identified LGBTQ person.  Wow.  Its 2012.

And finally…

Maybe this is at the forefront of my mind because I just got on this plane after having spent a wonderful weekend with my parents and sister for her graduation.  On this same trip I informed my parents that I am in a relationship with someone that I can see myself having a real future with.  I have been out to them for ten years, and to say the last decade has been challenging and painful is an understatement.  I have historically put up a screaming fight with them, but this time I was calm and collected.  When I told them, they knew I was serious.  I am with someone who is butch-presenting (new for me)and o-so handsome.  Its made me think about how family members will react when they meet her, and how the world at-large will react to us.  Will they ask the same stupid questions, treat her differently, or maybe understand me more?  What kinds of responses will they get from their friends?  I recognize that I am just coming into something that my significantother has been experiencing for years.

These comments posted on the blog reflect exactly what I fear, so in some twisted way they affect me.  It kinda hurts.  I have to tell myself that ultimately these people are strangers, and their opinions and words are miles away from me.  I have to tell myself to stay surrounded by community and people who affirm my relationship.  It’s difficult to do this since my lover has experienced verbal and physical assault, harassment in the workplace and by strangers, simply because of the way that she looks.  I don’t think it’s a far stretch to say that these ridiculous comments and opinions in some way lead to violent behavior, and keep women living in some kind of fear.  I also know that this is no way to live.  But as much as I preach to her about living fearlessly and just going for what you want, this is not a reality for her.  In this case, maybe the ignorance on screen will help me be a better ally and partner.  Maybe it will move us, not further into fear, but deeper into strength.


  1. Vania
    Vania June 19, 2012 at 3:41 am - Reply

    YES! On so many levels…YESSSS!

    Thank you for sharing.

  2. Jun@h June 19, 2012 at 6:11 pm - Reply

    “…but there is something magnetic about a woman who owns that she’s not like all the other girls.” — loved this line in particular because it applies across the board. Well-written with lots of positive food for thought – Brava, Candace!

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